I bet he comes in French.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
