Well douche your snatch and let's go!
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Let's get the cat blown out
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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