Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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