dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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