i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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