I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Randomize