Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
