ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
