Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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