Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
