dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
