so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
