your parents love me but you hate me
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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