the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
