____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
