I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
