hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
