I didn't shave. On purpose
wanna go halves on a baby?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
