I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
