The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
