i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
