She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
