Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
