Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Be still, my beating vagina.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
