before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Randomize