Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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