I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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