this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize