His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
