Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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