I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize