I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
