the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
