I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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