you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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