Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
