Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
