i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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