not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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