i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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