he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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