You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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