you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
