I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Randomize
