Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
you never un-have a 4some
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize