so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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