I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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