You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
The adults are the big ones right?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
