Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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