This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
