She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
