Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
