i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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