she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
