Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
