the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Someone came in the potted fern
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
