I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
