i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
